it's amazing how one minute i say "one month gone by already, wasn't so bad i guess", and then the next, hearing your voice on the phone made me miss you so bad. it just sparked all these feelings and emotions inside me and made me miss you incredibly. holding back tears because i can't help these feelings. like all my physical and emotional energy goes into missing you. i don't even know why, suddenly tears were just streaming down my face. trying to be normal and sound happy and i'm sure i pulled it off, as always. but really, i don't feel as happy as i sound. well i am happy, but i just have this ache for you. having someone but not being to have them and be with them, is more emotionally painful than not having someone, because you can't get to them how you should be able to. i should be able to reach out but i can't. if i had no one at all, i wouldn't have this "should be, but can't" feeling.
i just feel this wave of emotion inside, filling in the gap that you've left behind. my head wants you to enjoy yourself and have fun and go, but my heart wants you to stay so that during your free time we can talk. it's scary how incredibly attached i am, scary how in a split second my mood can go from a high to a low. scary just how much i miss you. scared that one day i am going to crack, that i won't be able to hold on anymore. scared how it's only been one month. four years to go. scared.